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Big Brother 13 This Week’s Recap of PB, Noms, POV, and POV Ceremony

September 6th, 2011 · No Comments

Courtesy of Media Fiends – by Chase

The other day, I had just parked my car and I was getting ready to walk into my local Wal-Mart when this young kid came running out of the front door carrying a fairly large box. I swear, the box had to be bigger than the kid. As he ran past me, I was able to tell that he was carrying a 50” flat screen TV, or at least the box of one. About 20 yards behind him, two plain-clothes individuals appeared to be chasing him. It was my guess that they were security for Wal-Mart. Having nothing better to do, I thought I would take a seat in one of those patio chairs that Wal-Mart usually has sitting out front and watch the events unfold.

Evidently, this was a planned theft – the kind of plan that a group of drunken frat boys would come up with on how to break into a sorority house to go on a panty raid. From what I could surmise, the plan was that the “Kid” would go into Wal-Mart, act like he was going to buy a flat screen TV, then run out the door with it, put it into the car that was waiting, and then drive off with their new found spoils.

There were only a couple things that these geniuses didn’t consider before pulling off this perfect crime. First, it would help if the “Kid” who does the actually stealing is bigger and strong enough to carry the object that they are trying to steal. Call me crazy, but you have to drag the item out of the store, chances are you are going to get caught.

Second, it helps if the get-away car is bigger than the object that you are trying to steal. I kid you not, the get-away car was a Toyota Prius. The driver had the back door open waiting for the “Kid” to throw this 50” TV into the back seat. They both actually thought that this TV was going to fit into a Toyota Prius.

As the “Kid” got close enough to the get-away car, he tried to hold the TV in front of him, but he was not strong enough to hold it up. The front end of the box hit the pavement and then slammed into the get-away car. The “Kid” literally did a forward flip right onto the middle of the box. A crowd had gathered around me and we all groaned as the “Kid” landed on the TV. Someone from behind me literally said, “that had to hurt.”

Undaunted, the “Kid” rolled off the TV (that had to be smashed to pieces by now), tried to pick up the box and attempted to shove the box into the get-away car. I think this is were the light bulb went on for these brilliant thieves – there was no way this TV was going to fit into the get-away car.

By this time, the security guys were on top of them. The driver of the get-away car decided that he didn’t want to get caught and gunned it. The only problem was that he parked about ten feet in front of those yellow concrete pylons. Yep, you guessed it – he hit one head one. Another collective groan from the crowd. One of the security guys actually laughed.

About five minutes later, the police showed up to arrest our shrewd thieves. I guess it was just a day for dumbassness. The security guys had the two idiots sitting on the curb. One officer helped the “Kid” up and changed out the handcuffs. The officer then took the “Kid” to his car and sat him down in the back seat. For some reason, the officer decided not to shut the back door. In defense of the officer, it was 100+ degrees outside and maybe the officer was concerned that the “Kid” would burn up in the back seat with the door closed. Still yet, the officer walks off and the “Kid”, not wanting to miss an opportunity, jumps out of the police car, falls to the ground, pulls his hand-cuffed hands up and around his feet to where his hands where now in front of him, gets back up, somehow manages to open the drivers door, jumps in, and manages to put the police car into drive.

Instead of a collective groan, this time there was a collective “Oh sh*t” from the crowd. I am not sure if the “Kid” was not able to drive or if the handcuffs greatly impeded his driving ability, either way, his great escape was cut short when he made a sharp turn right into the outdoor gardening building – he hit the front doors perfectly and the police car, with the red and blue lights flashing, disappeared into the garden center. Thankfully, he didn’t hit anyone.

Seeing how my chances of getting a couple of new plants were completely ruined, I walked back to my car and left. Anyone know where the next closest Wal-Mart is?

On with the recap. When the show ended, the HGs were in the middle of the HOH competition – “rolling in the Dough.” They had thirteen minutes to maneuver thru an obstacle course that consisted of them having to crawl under a large rolling pin, thru a pool of corn syrup, over Styrofoam peanuts that represent doughnut sprinkles, grab a doughnut, transgress the course again and put the doughnut on a pole. Okay…let me get this straight; competing in this physical comp is Rachel, Adam, Kalia and Jordan. Let’s break this down: There is no way that Kalia is going to manage to have a doughnut in her hands for more than five seconds with out eating it, so count her out; Adam can’t do anything for more than five minutes without taking a smoke break, so count him out; and then there is Jordan – first, I think she was confused as to exactly what she was supposed to do and second, exerting energy to Jordan consists of moving from one side of the couch to the other side of the couch. Yeah, this comp was not rigged for Rachel one little bit. Congratulations AG, your favorite houseguest is the new HOH. Yee freaking haw, Rachel and Jordan survive another week – will miracles ever cease? Not with AG in the power seat.

Rachel gets her HOH room and we get to see several photos of her and Brennon (yes, I know that it is Brendon, but if his feeonsay can’t pronounce his name correctly, why should I?) Moving on.

The next day, Rachel gets to do what she loves to do more than anything else – have everyone come up to the HOH room one at a time, have them kiss her ass, make sure that the entire conversation is all about her, demean and vilify all the floaters in the game, make sure that they know just how bad everyone in this house has treated her and Brennon, how she is the only true competitor and is better than everyone else, and then make a final two deal with everyone. Yep, that is pretty much exactly what happen.Unfortunately, the procession to kiss Queen Rachel’s ass was interrupted by BB so that they could set up the lame ass Pandora’s Box. Since Rachel is the HOH, we would not want anything that would drastically change the game…like bringing back the duo twist, which basically saved Rachel and Jordan from getting evicted. No, we would not want that. We get Tori Spelling. Since Rachel was trapped with Jessie, Mr. Pec-tacular, I am going to guess that Tori was the good thing. It is kinda of a toss up for me as to which one I would not want to spend time with.

Anyways, Adam was thrilled that he got to meet Tori and has NOT SHUT UP ABOUT IT SINCE. Adam, damn man, enough. We ALL know that you got to meet Tori. Congrat-u-freaking-lations. Now, shut the hell up.

Also, everyone but Rachel got a three-minute clothing spree that was set up in the backyard – they got to keep whatever clothes they had on at the end of the three minutes. Exciting stuff.

On with the nominations. Let’s see…who does Rachel have to choose from: there is Adam who is Jeff’s boy; Kalia and Porsche who aligned with Rachel’s arch enemy Dani, and then Jordan. Yes, I was just as shocked as you were when she nominated Kalia and Porsche.

For the next twenty-four hours, absolutely nothing happen. For the first time that I can remember, every live feeder that posts for whatever website actually had nothing to post for close to twenty-four hours. It was sad. Every live feed website said the same thing – nothing, and we mean nothing, is going on. Thanks AG for such a wonderful BB season. I would greatly appreciate it if the next time you think about bringing back “Vets” to play against “Newbies” if you would hand someone a baseball bat to beat the living sh*t out of you. Thanks.

After waking from our coma, BB managed to energize the HGs long enough to play the POV competition. I know that this will come as a shock, but the HGs, the live feeders, the posters, school children from China, hell – anyone that has actually watched Big Brother before knew that the POV comp was going to be OTEV. (I swear, if you ask what OTEV is, I will grab AG’s bat and beat the hell out of you) Since it is a physical comp, can anyone guess who was the first out? No, not Adam. No, not Kalia. Geeeezzzz people. Jordan was the first one out. Following her was Rachel. I can’t wait to see this on TV. I am sure she took it well, seeing how she is an absolutely wonderful sport about losing. (yes, ladies and gentleman, that is called sarcasm) Next out was Kalia. The POV came down to Adam and Porsche. I guess miracles do exists as some how, Adam won the POV. Go Team Bacon.

Will Adam finally step up and start playing this game by making a big move and take Porsche off the block which will force Rachel to put up Jordan? Then to follow that up with voting out Jordan? Yes, boys and girls, I mean, will Adam actually use his own brain in this game for the first time? Nope, no way in hell. Even though it is going to cost him the game, Adam refuses to wake up and play his own game. In fact, nope, he didn’t use the Veto. Nothing like handing someone else $500,000. Way to go Team Bacon. Someone please hand Adam a baseball bat and let him beat the hell out of himself – trust me, he will do it if you tell him that Jeff said to do it.

Tags: Big Brother Commentary